I felt lost, alone, and under attack by those around me.  I did all I could to keep myself from breaking.  I cleaned floors, cleaned the glass, dusted the wood, went out to the barn to just sit and pet the cats and horses… I tried to take my mind off of everything but mostly I was trying to wear myself down so I would have some chance to actually sleep last night.  I’m so afraid of living up to all the name calling yesterday that I have decided that I would do whatever I could to just make everyone happy.  I won’t complain to anyone around me (yay for my blog or I would have no one to talk to!).  I decided to just be the picture perfect wife anyone would want.  I would cook and clean and not complain.  Who cares that a smile won’t cross my face (unless it is from my son acting goofy or telling me one of his long stories about the cowboys and monsters).  I really don’t think that anyone (other than me) will mind this arrangement.

So late last night after taking my 4th dose of ant anxiety meds and still laying wide awake reflecting on the terrible and emotional day I had, I looked over to the couch to see a 70lb Bear laying there sleeping as peaceful as he could.  I went over, curled up next to him, threw the blanket over both of us and took a deep breath.  He woke up and put his head on my chest and fell back asleep.  Sleeping dogs have a nice calming smell to them (I think so anyway) and to my surprise, I was quickly asleep.  After about 45 minutes I woke up, woke Bear up and went to bed.  I had him jump in bed with me to recreate the peaceful and calm feeling.

4 thoughts

  1. Hola Aimee,

    will pray for you : ) sounds like you’ve been having a suck-ass time. People don’t understand what it’s like to have ptsd… I’ve been at this for 5 years and just now am able to tell family/friends what I have. After 20 yrs in the Marine Corps, the pride i feel in not showing anyone that anything is wrong… I forgot how to feel emotion. Specially, fear/sadness, which I substituted for anger and being a clown at work & with friends. But I’m tired of that, obviously the VA is a gamble in treatment!! Since 2005 I’ve had 10 doctors… hate it ’cause they don’t really care, each time it’s like starting again.

    I’m halfway through my application with Puppies Behind Bars, just gotta get written permission from my boss’. The last couple of weeks have been a good surprise for me, the reaction from family & friends & co-workers have been all been supportive : ) Before it was just support from IAVA.
    Anyway, sorry for grumbling but just wanted to say lots of people Got your Back. Hope day by day things get better for you!
    Claudia

    Like

    1. I am glad you are going through the steps with Puppies Behind Bars! They really are great. Everyone I have met through there has been so wonderful and I look and Bear and still feel so undeserving of such a great tool and friend.

      I’m glad your family and friends have been supportive too because I got sort of funny looks from mine… I think most didn’t realize I had PTSD (guess they just thought I was a bitch?) or they didn’t realize things were are hard for me as they were.

      Like

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