I felt lost, alone, and under attack by those around me. I did all I could to keep myself from breaking. I cleaned floors, cleaned the glass, dusted the wood, went out to the barn to just sit and pet the cats and horses… I tried to take my mind off of everything but mostly I was trying to wear myself down so I would have some chance to actually sleep last night. I’m so afraid of living up to all the name calling yesterday that I have decided that I would do whatever I could to just make everyone happy. I won’t complain to anyone around me (yay for my blog or I would have no one to talk to!). I decided to just be the picture perfect wife anyone would want. I would cook and clean and not complain. Who cares that a smile won’t cross my face (unless it is from my son acting goofy or telling me one of his long stories about the cowboys and monsters). I really don’t think that anyone (other than me) will mind this arrangement.
So late last night after taking my 4th dose of ant anxiety meds and still laying wide awake reflecting on the terrible and emotional day I had, I looked over to the couch to see a 70lb Bear laying there sleeping as peaceful as he could. I went over, curled up next to him, threw the blanket over both of us and took a deep breath. He woke up and put his head on my chest and fell back asleep. Sleeping dogs have a nice calming smell to them (I think so anyway) and to my surprise, I was quickly asleep. After about 45 minutes I woke up, woke Bear up and went to bed. I had him jump in bed with me to recreate the peaceful and calm feeling.