Who cares that I am pushing 30… Life has dealt me some things that almost make me feel like I am back in high school trying to get through the BS so I can amount to something.

In my younger days I was irresponsible, a slacker, going no where.  I joined the military to BE somebody.  I wanted to have dignity and be proud of who I was.  I wanted to have a little kick in the rear to keep me in line and I think that I adjusted to Air Force life pretty well.  Once upon a time I took my uniform serious.  Boots were shined, pants and shirt pressed.  I think I was one of the few people who actually spent their yearly clothing allowance on their uniform!  I had really good, light weight steel toe boots that I paid a pretty penny for and loved… I went through a can of polish about once a month.  I actually found it relaxing to sit on the couch, or more times than not, in front of the couch on the floor, and shining my boots while watching TV.  I liked to wake up at 430am with my rational being that I needed to leave by 620am (for my 7am shift; which means be there 645am).  I liked being FULLY awake when I left the house and having the time to sit and drink my coffee, relax, watch TV… Basically enjoy my mornings.  I miss my routine.

So since I don’t exactly seeing military being part of my future, I have to somehow carve out some other life for myself.  Next month marks 5 years since I was in.  I don’t have a lot to show for it all.  It has been an endless cycle of struggle, triumph, disappoint, give up, hit the bottom, crawl out, struggle, triumph… You get the picture.  It’s hard to make it through this spiral and what’s even harder is not know what will cause the next one.  An offhand remark by someone can send me plummeting so easy.  Some random event will trigger a horrible and steep slide for me.  It’s hard to keep my mind out of the darkness.  It’s hard to keep my head above water when I feel so much like I’ve failed and disappointed.  I have been trying so hard to figure out what I want to do.  At some point I need a job or career.

I think the biggest issue for me is that when I am doing good, I am doing really good!  When I was doing good, at one point I was going to school full time (maintaining a respectable 3.6ish GPA), taking care of my son, driving horse carriages downtown, and active in the Diversity Club.  I even had time to enjoy life a little bit.  I felt so normal.  You would think that it would take a lot to push me off the mountain I had climbed up.  Nope.  One morning I walked outside and the combination of the temperature, a smell in the air, the way the leaves looked.. I don’t know what exactly it was, but I went back in my house, withdrew from school and wouldn’t get out of bed.  I was so… I don’t know.  Not “depressed”.  Not “stressed”.  Just not “me”.  I don’t know what to do with myself when that happens.  I can’t predict it and I have a hard time figuring out how to get out of it.

So there is my bump in the road.  What do I want to be when I grow up?  I want to be productive to my community.  I want dignity and pride.  I want to be important (not rich or famous, I was neither when I was in the Air Force, but I was important nonetheless.).  I want to prove to my family and people who have tried to help me that I am not a waste of time.  I’m not a waste of energy or resources.

I’ll never claim that I’ve been through anything that was all that terrible compared to others.  This adds to my guilt over everything.  The incredible guilt I feel for letting down my shop for not being there when I was needed, guilty for letting down my friends and co -workers, guilty for being a burden to my husband.  I can’t imagine it is much fun to be the only bread winner in the house.  He has taken on side jobs, 2nd and 3rd jobs, anything he can to keep the bills paid and every month when things are getting tight I feel guilty that I don’t have an income for my family.  I went from bread winner to this.

I’m rambling but I’m also sick, so I hope you guys look past that.  I just had stuff flying in my head and needed to get it out so I could stop thinking about it.

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