At this point I thought I was pretty aware of the triggers that effect me the most and I thought that I was doing good with either working on them or avoiding them. I discovered one that I didn’t realize was as powerful as it was…
I am in St. Louis with my family for the Cardinal’s game that I bought my husband tickets for back last Christmas. We decided to go to Six Flags yesterday and it started raining. Suddenly the memories of spending 10 hours in the pouring rain digging trenches around tent city while it flooded while on my second deployment came rushing back to me. I looked around at all the people running from the rain, trying to not get wet, and I just couldn’t help but get irritated at them. I refuse to take cover from the rain, as if to punish myself in the name of those who are stuck in shitty conditions with less desirable past-times to look forward to (if they are lucky they can watch 4 seasons of The Sopranos on DVD).
I think one of the hardest things to deal with is the guilt. How dare I have fun and enjoy myself? The guilt is almost unbearable some days. I think I will be able to deal with the guilt better some day, but not today. Yesterday was Memorial Day as well, so I went most of the day wanting to break down in tears. We drove past a war memorial and I wanted to drape myself over the stone and cry for them. Why can’t I just enjoy this time with my family?
Yes I have Bear with me and he does help, but the mere act of owning him isn’t a magic and instant fix to anything. I am thankful for having him but if anyone is looking into getting a dog like him, just know it is hard work and not a “quick fix”.
Speaking of Bear… We are staying near the Arch and there is a park where I have been taking him out to do his business. Every time we come back to the hotel there is this crazy bird that attacks Bear! Sometimes I wonder if I should just give Bear the go ahead to take care of the bird… but I refrain.. The damn bird dive bombs poor Bear all the way from the street corner to the hotel door!! It stays across the street so I don’t know what the deal is, we aren’t near its nest. Poor Bear!