I know that no one is really where they would have thought they would be. I understand that it is all part of life, the unexpected, the uncomfortable… But I feel so far off track and wonder if I will ever be in a place of happiness. I always wanted to be a mother and a wife. As long as I could remember those were the things I wanted most out of life. Motherhood and marriage are obviously a lot of work for anyone, even for the most patient and calm woman. There isn’t a mother out there who didn’t second guess her choices with her children or who didn’t sit back and wonder if she is being as good of a wife as she should be. I always pictured that in addition to being a great mother and a wife who was envied by other wives (for all that I was going to be doing: cooking, cleaning, being patient and kind hearted), I thought I was going to have an amazing career at something. I thought I would be working the wonderful world of aircraft until I was too old to do it. I never wanted to be a supervisor, at least not one who wasn’t out on the flight line. I wanted to be a worker bee for as long as I could.
Instead of being such a wonderful and productive individual, I feel like a pathetic excuse for a mother. I talked my husband into looking into hiring a nanny and I managed to mess that up as well. I was going to do all these great things when I had a great nanny here. I was going to go spend more time with the horses, take up a class at the YMCA, learn a new hobby.. None of that happened. I was thinking that I would do better in school because I wouldn’t be stressed when a kid was sick and I wouldn’t feel so guilty for taking the little one to daycare so much. Sometimes though, there is so much going on around me I feel like my head is about to explode. Too much noise and it all blends together and my brain just freezes. I don’t have the backbone to speak up when things bother me so everything just kept piling up and piling up and finally I couldn’t take it anymore and here I am alone again.
I need to get to the VSO to file a disagreement with my rating and it has to be done and in the mail THIS MONTH but I won’t be able to do that because I can’t take my son with me (he really doesn’t need to hear about all of my problems) and he is out of school so I have no choice but to bring him everywhere with me. I have been searching for a new nanny but it is discouraging because we simply can’t afford the *right* kind of nanny. Everyone in the range we can afford has no or little experience, has never been a live in, wants to sleep all day, considers this a vacation, or seems so demanding and I just can’t find anyone who is suitable for my kids. I just feel like everything is caving in around me.