I start tomorrow to school again after finishing up a rough semester in the Spring.  Ah yes, I failed math, but you know, I was proud that I kept on going knowing that I was going to fail it anyway.  I was proud that I didn’t try to drop the class and I am happy with I had enough self-awareness to know that I needed to hear the material at least twice before it would possibly sink in.  Even though I was proud of myself it did instill some apprehension in me now that I am to start back.

School isn’t the only thing that has been weighing on my mind.  I recently realized that I have to go to the Veteran’s service officer on my own to file a disagreement with my last rating.  On top of that someone mentioned that if you are considered unemployable then you aren’t supposed to qualify for the VA vocational rehab program.  Voc rehab is what has been paying for my schooling!  I keep getting passed around between different voc rehab reps so I am really confused how I was able to be in the program and be considered unemployable.  I couldn’t imagine how I would qualify for employment when I can’t go 3 months without shutting down and stop functioning.  So now I am confused and wonder if I am just wasting my time and energy on school… but I really do love going.  Going to school is the one thing that I have that makes me feel like I am not a complete screw up.  I am not the greatest parent, though I try hard.  I can go to school though and for the most part keep to myself and just get through it.  I am able to go and earn some sort of living and a paycheck.  I am hoping that I can get through it and get a job, but then what?


I gave Bear a bath yesterday (outside.. he was sooooo not happy about it).  I scrubbed him down and brushed another dog worth of hair off him.  I think he is getting excited about school.  He loves it I’m sure.  All he does is walk around with me, get a lot of ohs and ahs, then settle down at my feet.  He has no cares in the world, just lay at my feet, feel me scratch him behind the ear a few times during class (more-so on test days) and drift to sleep.   This short semester will be a little bit different for Bear.  In the Spring session we went 5 days a week.  This time, just through July, we go 3 days a week for 3 hours a day.

3 thoughts

  1. Schools tough as is it, and you have a family to add to that. I hope you’re not being to hard on yourself for failing math. I failed alot of classes for the first couple years I went to college. I have faith that you’ll get through it eventually.


  2. I think it takes a lot of guts for you to be in school. You may criticize your ability to be a good Mom (we all do) but you are trying and sounds like you’re doing a great job. Specially, with all you have going on… stay in the fight.


  3. Well, I think you’re amazing. I tell myself every day… “do the best you can”. I know that it sounds like a cliché, but it’s true. When I think of everything I have done, whether it turned out good…or bad…I know I started out that morning thinking that, I am going to do the best I can, then, no matter the results, I can accept it gladly.
    School, work, wife, and mom- it does feel like too much sometimes, even for the most perfect person (or, so I hear!) Hang in there.
    PTSD, I don’t even begin to try to understand what it’s like. Brave of you to work so hard to have your life the way you want it, the way you imagine it.
    I admire your honesty.


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