So this past year has been interesting. Not a bad, year, but one that tested everything. Tested my marriage, my patience, my health, my strength. I still wouldn’t call it a bad year. It was a year of intense learning and life experiences. I feel like this past year has made me a better mother and a better wife. I hope that I have become a better friend as well.
I have been working on my PTSD issues and although I do feel like progress is being made there are things that still elude me. I am still afraid to go to sleep and when I do go to sleep it is torture. My nightmares somehow involve Iraqis beheading my children (I can’t even tell you the number of nightmares I have had about that), or being raped by people. I understand it isn’t real, that they are just things that happen in my head at night, but it is every single night and it is tiring. I try to make my bedroom my retreat. I don’t know if the people around me understand why I spend so much money when it comes to my room. From my bed, the sheets, to the curtains, I try to make my sleeping area as relaxing as possible. My floors have to be clean and things need to be put away or it just makes me more stressed out. When I do get to sleep I have those nightmares. When I wake up for the last time (I usually wake up 2 or 3 times a night panicked from my latest dream) I have to have at least 2 or 3 cups of coffee before I am awake. I have to take a few minutes to grasp the concept that none of my kids have been beheaded and that everything is safe and sound.
For this new year I already have a few habits I would like to get going. I have already started on my household. I have been cooking and cleaning more. I have a pretty good routine of getting dishes done in the morning (what ever wasn’t washed the night before) and getting the laundry going. It is a lot easier when it is done every morning. We have 5 people in the house so things getting dirty fast! Our house isn’t all that big (for 5 people!) so we really have to stay on top of things. I have also decided this year to finally accept that I can’t do everything. I can take on a little at a time but I realize now that I can’t do everything I could have before. Things are just different now.
So I hope that 2011 helps me to continue learning about myself, what I can and can’t do, helps me to be an even better wife and mother and friend. I hope that all of you have a wonderful and safe new years eve.