I have been running things through my mind a lot.  I feel like there is a really fine line between trying to get help and learning to live with PTSD, and playing the victim.  I don’t want to “play a victim” but there are times where everything gets just so overwhelming.  I have a lot to work on, and I know this, but I just don’t know where to turn, where to go.  I would probably benefit greatly from some sort of ranch or somewhere that there are other women going through things like this.  Sometimes I feel like I need to learn how to live my life.  I need a life coach or something… Maybe take basic living classes.  If that doesn’t exist it should!

Right now I have been seriously lacking sleep because there are escaped convicts and murderers running around.  No, I’m not crazy, there really are and this whole city has been on high alert looking for these two guys.  Like I am not paranoid enough at night!  *sigh*

So I keep going back and replaying things in my head over and over.  What I should have done differently starting with my first deployment.  Did I handle myself in a way that really made everyone hate me?  Was it me or the stress they hated so much?  I don’t think they understood that being so out numbered on the male/female ratio made for a stressful situation in itself.  I don’t think the guys got that.  I tried so hard to pull my share and then some. I was dealing with marital problems when I left (I was actually happy to get out of my house for a few months!).  On my second deployment I was upset because I had JUST gotten back.  Not only that but I had a trip to Mexico planned with a childhood friend.  It was going to be a great vacation, we had a few condos in mind, had planned to feed the sharks and explore the not so touristy spots.  I was really looking forward to it.  I sometimes wonder what would be different in my life now had I not been picked for that deployment and went to Mexico instead.  It seems like that deployment did the most damage to me.  Things that happened on my second deployment made me lose my faith in humans.  To this day, everyone, including friends and family, I feel are inclined to hurt me if it means they will feel better.  No, it doesn’t normally happen, and the logical side of me knows that, but it is a fear that has me constantly on the verge of leaving my home and family and never looking back.  I sometimes feel like I would rather wander around alone, not forming any attachments to any people.  I feel like the people who I care about would be better off without me.

I feel like such a lost cause sometimes.  I am medicated, go to therapy, have Bear.  I don’t know what other steps I need to take.  I have tried church and working out, deep breathing, calming teas and candles, listening to calming music and reading books on how to live in peace with myself.  Nothing changes.  I am still me.  I am still at the bottom of this hole.  I so much want to find a safe environment where I can finally just let everything out.  I figure I will probably need to be away a few months at least.  There is so much built up in my mind and I need to release it.  I hold on to the deeper issues, not sharing with anyone.  There and things that I saw, felt, went through, that I’ve never shared.  I just can’t.  I keep it in and the interviews I have done I just keep things on the surface.  I don’t care if I miss out opportunities because I didn’t share “enough” but I can’t let it out like this.  I need to be some where there are people who can help me get through the nightmares that will come with it, the bad mood it will put me in and all the stress that will come out of it.  I went years not wanting to tell anybody anything and I’ve been at this point of wanting to get better and let it go but there are no resources for me.

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