I have worked very hard to convince myself that being a stay at home mom was enough for me. That I could be happy and feel like I have a fulfilling life doing this. I don’t. I long to belong to something larger than myself again. I long to join the workforce again. The only real job I ever had was with the Air Force. I loved being around people who motivated me to be better and to do better. I miss getting up early three days a week and running through the Georgia mug. I miss the bond I had with those I worked with or those who endured deployments with me.. well.. lol, the few I bonded with while deployed…
I know that realistically I could probably never rejoin the Air Force though if there were a way I could I would take it. I don’t know that they would allow Bear with me though and that is sort of my deal breaker! I miss the flightline and the planes. I miss the smell of jet fuel on me. I miss moving every few years. I miss the excitement of TDYs. I miss squadron bowling (btw they loved my high handicap!) I miss the cook-outs in the summer and the parties. I miss KNOWING what I was supposed to be doing. I miss knowing that if I studied hard, stayed fit, and stayed out of trouble, I would get promoted. I miss the promise of seeing the world.
I love our small town and I love our house and our friends, but this is NOT the life I was born to live. It’s been great but this is the longest I have ever lived in one state. This is now the longest I have lived in the same house. I wish I could tell everyone that I would be happy living here for the rest of my life, but I can’t, it would be a lie. It wouldn’t matter if we bought a million dollar house (laugh), I would still always long to leave.
When I was in the Air Force, I felt like I mattered. That I made a difference. I don’t feel that. No one looks at me like I am anything important. People don’t take me serious because all they see is a housewife in rural Tennessee. No one sees the woman who inspected the C5 in Iraq after it was hit. No one sees the woman who did time critical inspections on Navy Seal helo’s that if they had not been done by literally midnight that night, would have grounded the Navy Seals. No one sees the woman who grounded who knows how many aircraft due to bad oil analysis results. No one sees me as someone who once x-rayed aircraft, magnetized parts, inspected T38 wings for stress cracks after the student pilot pulled too many Gs. No one sees the person who helped marshall in aircraft at 3am on a dark runway in Jordan. I’m just some housewife in rural Tennessee who they think needs help tightening a bolt.
I go around and around in circles thinking that maybe if I change this or do that, I will be content with where I am and what I have. But I will never be. Not as long as all I am is a housewife in rural Tennessee.