It’s human nature to want to be close to people. To have someone to confide in and share things with. Humans are social creatures so it is only natural for them to long for this. When something happens though, and someone goes through something that makes them question the intentions of others, it makes being close to others quite difficult. I have seen, and been on the other end of, some very disturbed people, which, as a result, had made it difficult to trust that there really is good in people. I constantly am waiting for the ball to drop and to be back in that familiar scene of my weaknesses being used as the strings over me, much like a marionette.
I am certainly a fighter for things, but at some point, I give up. I accept it is what it is. I retreat into myself. There is no more time or opportunity to talk because I have already made up my mind who is “safe” and who isn’t. I have yet to find the “safe” person (if Bear were a person, he would certainly be “safe”). Part of me is sad that the fight is gone in me, but part of me just can’t take it any more. When I am able to stop begging for things to be different, and I am able to just worry about myself (and obviously my kids) then I know I will feel a weight lifted. I know many think I am a selfish person, and I agree to a point that I am selfish. I want to make peace with myself and it seems I will do that at all costs, but I am also selfless a lot of the time. I don’t speak up when some things bother me because I feel like it isn’t my place to stop people from enjoying what it is they enjoy. But when my silence leads to so much pain, I just have to speak my peace, and move on- realizing that I cannot change people. I can’t live in this never ending cycle. I stepped off the merry-go-round and am now just focusing on myself and my family.
I think in the short term, being close with someone or having a group of people I am close to can be beneficial but I feel in the long term, it isn’t plausible for me. I will always be waiting for my weaknesses to be used against me (even if it never happens) or I will spend so much time concerned about who I am not and not enough time nurturing who I am.
I apologize if this blog post is rambling, I am going on 2 hours or so of sleep. (newborn at home..)