It’s human nature to want to be close to people.  To have someone to confide in and share things with.  Humans are social creatures so it is only natural for them to long for this.  When something happens though, and someone goes through something that makes them question the intentions of others, it makes being close to others quite difficult.  I have seen, and been on the other end of, some very disturbed people, which, as a result, had made it difficult to trust that there really is good in people.  I constantly am waiting for the ball to drop and to be back in that familiar scene of my weaknesses being used as the strings over me, much like a marionette.

I am certainly a fighter for things, but at some point, I give up.  I accept it is what it is.  I retreat into myself.  There is no more time or opportunity to talk because I have already made up my mind who is “safe” and who isn’t.  I have yet to find the “safe” person (if Bear were a person, he would certainly be “safe”).  Part of me is sad that the fight is gone in me, but part of me just can’t take it any more.  When I am able to stop begging for things to be different, and I am able to just worry about myself (and obviously my kids) then I know I will feel a weight lifted.  I know many think I am a selfish person, and I agree to a point that I am selfish.  I want to make peace with myself and it seems I will do that at all costs, but I am also selfless a lot of the time.  I don’t speak up when some things bother me because I feel like it isn’t my place to stop people from enjoying what it is they enjoy.  But when my silence leads to so much pain, I just have to speak my peace, and move on- realizing that I cannot change people.  I can’t live in this never ending cycle.  I stepped off the merry-go-round and am now just focusing on myself and my family.

I think in the short term, being close with someone or having a group of people I am close to can be beneficial but I feel in the long term, it isn’t plausible for me.  I will always be waiting for my weaknesses to be used against me (even if it never happens) or I will spend so much time concerned about who I am not and not enough time nurturing who I am.

I apologize if this blog post is rambling, I am going on 2 hours or so of sleep. (newborn at home..)

 

One thought

  1. Aimee, Steve Pomeroy here. Hope you are hanging in there through this tough time of the year. I’ve read might near all of your blog, The Journey and you are gifted with words. I really think you nailed it home with the last two paragraphs above and your closing line. Myself I do my best and clearest thinking in the we hours of the morn if it is clear at all .You are a blessed person to have a mom in your life like Connie. In your spare time check out my facebook page, R.S.Pomeroy, post page and read my poem,” Birth Date Body Date and a Little Thing Called War “.. It was written in the wee hours on a night that it was all coming back in bits and pieces. Only you and other like us know what I mean bits and pieces. Please check it out. Oh and send a friend request if you so wish, so I can answer any questions if you have any about the poem etc. all the kids and grandkids call me pop and I answer to that well. I also answer to suppers ready to……tc…..pop

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