Believe it or not, there are actually times when I just don’t have the words to express what I am feeling or what I am wanting to say. In those times I remain silent and think of a picture in my head that is able to describe what I want to say. I think that in the past, I hadn’t thought to do this, to visualize, so I was left with the feelings inside. After I started just picturing what I wanted to say, it felt like a weight was lifted.
The best example I have of this is when I pray. I have never been an overly religious person and wasn’t raised in a house that was either, so I have no idea how to talk to God or how to pray. I went to church on 9.11.11 because I was certainly spiritually on empty (despite attending church regularly). We were asked to bow our heads in silent prayer. I hate those times because I spend the entire time not know what to say or how to say it. This time though, we were asked to pray for those who were killed and pray for their families. When I had no words, I just pictured a huge angel with its wings wrapped around a large mass of people. From that time, I really felt like I could just picture the angel embracing whoever I am praying for. The embrace signifies warmth and comfort and protection.. I feel like everything that I could have said is summed up in that mental image of the large angel.
I realized this morning though, I have never imagined or pictured any angels with their wings wrapped around me. I feel so emotionally raw right now, and I think that the idea of such a pure embrace would be equivalent of how my newborn feels when he is tired and hungry and his mommy picks him up, wraps him snug, and attends to his needs. He feels safe and comfortable and he can feel my love through my arms. Much the same as how I come to God scared and hungry and tired. I need him embrace but don’t know how to ask for it. I don’t know why I always get embarrassed speaking of God or religious things. I guess because I wasn’t really exposed to it much. The most religious I got prior to this past year (Since January when we started at church) was on my deployments. But it isn’t right to only be religious when you think you are going to die. You should be religious when things are good and when things are happy. You shouldn’t just turn to God when everything falls apart, you should be there when things are going great as well, at least to give thanks!
Today, and hopefully for a while, I will try to include myself in the warm embrace.