Being a complete dower today. If you want rainbows and butterflies go to Google images and don’t read this post.
This may initially sound as a “whoa is me” blog post, I assure you, it is more of the unraveling mysteries in my head more than a pity party. I have always found writing things down tends to help me work through them. When I talk it’s like too much is going on…. sort of like some people can’t chew gum and walk, I can’t think and talk!
I just sat down at my (cluttered) breakfast table after abruptly leaving my British Lit class. I said I wasn’t feeling well (truth) and needed to “jet”. Anyway, I am feeling like a complete failure and such a huge let down. I think of how I look and my children and just KNOW they have so much greatness inside of them. They will be doctors, or lawyers, or some crazy environmental activist. I think about how sad I would be if they ended up like me. I want so much for a degree and a job/career. I have a wonderful family who supports all my crazy ideas and dreams. I have no one to blame for my inability to maintain a normal life or normal relationships but myself. Nothing catastrophic happened that made life unbearable at school. I am just unable to function when I get stressed or overwhelmed. I don’t want to complain about things that every single person deals with perfectly fine. It makes me feel weak.
Let’s list the stressors… maybe work through them in my head. I am sure everything is in there, like twine, knotted up and needing to be sorted out before anything usable or comprehendible comes out. Getting out one knot won’t fix the whole mess. Anyway, enough literary babble and written word small talk… My uncle died. I get it. People die. It is what makes life to precious and the reason we all try to be decent people. But I cannot get it out of my head that he wanted to see me again and I didn’t make it. I can’t erase that last moment, when I kissed his bald head, said “I love you” and promised I would be back. I chose to go to the beach the next day and chose to go get a stupid parakeet before heading back to Tennessee instead of choosing to spend another day with him. We ALL want “one more day” though. Even if I had gone back, I would still have been sad because I will always have wanted “one more day”.
My son, my precious precious baby Jonah. He has worsened over the past few days and it is the most heart breaking and hopeless/helpless feeling to sit back and watch my beautiful baby going through this. He cannot control his head. He smiles so big at me, then starts having his head jerks. I worry for him every day. We have an appointment, and I have done everything I could think of to do for him, but I can’t help feeling that this is my fault some how. There is obviously some disconnect in his brain or misfiring of some sort. It makes me question if I had done something while I was pregnant that caused this. I nursed him so was there something wrong with my milk? I don’t know and I just feel so responsible for him and therefore feel it is somehow my fault for not protecting him from whatever is going on with him.
My daughter is so angry at the world. Children do as they see. Watching her act like she does, I know in my heart, it is my fault. I can’t handle the slightest stress and she appears to have followed me in that way. She has no way to show her emotions and frustrations other than stomping, yelling, and hitting. She screams at everyone. I don’t know how to help her. I have been working on talking very calmly to her as well as trying to model better behaviors at home. I am sure with time she will improve (she is only 3 after all!) so I know I need to just do what I can and get through these few years with her.
I won’t get into every little thing that is stressing me out, but I know the reason I will never be successful is that I cannot take much stress. Just worrying about what is going on now has me not sleeping, my jaw hurts from grinding my teeth and clenching my jaw. I feel like as long as stressors are minimal (read this as “run away from anything that causes me social discomfort”) then I am okay. I thrive (for a little bit). As soon as I have one thing stress me out, I feel like I can work through it. But you add in more than one thing, I come home and aimlessly walk around in circles. I feel like there is too much to try to untangle that I just completely shut down. Meals aren’t made. Kids aren’t given my best. My marriage suffers. My friendships are tested. And a stressor to me isn’t the same as other people. If I see a parking lot of cars I start panicking. ALL I think of, every. Single. Time. I am in a crowd, is how easily we could all be blown up. I almost always do a mental check list when I walk up to my car is to (not be obvious) check for explosives by the tires. I can’t run over trash and if there is no option but to run it over, my heart takes cover in my throat.
I have tried to live the “normal” mom/wife life. I tried going to the ball games and cheering my son on. I have tried to take my kid to dance class. I have tried to blend in as well as possible and pretend that I am just some lady from Colorado raising my family. But there is always something that messes it all up. I hate it. I just sometimes wish I could have memories erased. Start over with a clean slate. Sometimes, I don’t even KNOW what triggered my stress. It could be something as simple as the change in weather. Yes. The weather is one of my number one triggers. I don’t get it. I just don’t.
So I will never be successful because I am nearly 8 years into my 2 year degree. I lack the motivation or self discipline to do things that make me feel uncomfortable. I expect everything from everyone and get upset when anything is expected of me. I don’t think I could work the most cushy job without getting too overwhelmed. I am great if you just don’t expect much out of me.