I considered starting this blog post about my family lineage… how we’ve fought in every war since the American Revolution, more than likely prior to that on American soil if I can ever prove Native American blood in my line. I could mention how there are those in my family who not only fought, fought bravely, who sough no recognition, sought no awards or any attention for his actions. He also never complained once when his health was failing due to his service and combat related illnesses. He never outwardly blamed his military service when it became apparent that he would lose his life as a direct result. He was dignified and proud.
It seems like it is very easy for my peers to forget my military service. Sometimes I forget that my health problems may be rooted in it. That is until something as simple as a headache that refuses to go away pops up. I am now on my 3rd week (Sunday marks the start of week 4) of constant headaches with splashes of migraines mixed in. I tried my different medications, the migraine abortive (what a joke) and then the fioricet that is supposed to help. No relief. I tried drinking coffee (more of it), drinking more water, making sure I didn’t let myself get hungry… Once upon a time I was taking a preventative called Topamax but it made me lose like 10lbs in a matter of weeks, made everything taste and smell funny, and made my fingers numb. I stopped taking it because I wasn’t sure it was doing anything. After these past few weeks I made the choice to go back on it. I am only a few days back on it on a low dose and I am trying to work back up to where I was. The biggest issue right now is that I am EXHAUSTED and I still have these stupid headaches.
Where does this “snowball effect come in though?” you must be asking yourself. I shall explain! Headaches. Saw the doctors last year because I not only have the headaches, if you look through my posts you’ll read that there were other things going on as well. After testing, there were these little spots on my MRI. Either the spots are causing the migraines, are caused BY the migraines, or are something else. My husband, pharmacist, has been researching my vaccines, more specifically the anthrax vaccines I received back in 2001-2004, and is convinced I was one of the people who was given the one with the squalene in it which has been shown to cause these same types of symptoms. In fact, it was banned for use in animals as it is considered to be inhumane. Can I prove it? At this point, no. I do have my shot records, but I need to find a doctor or scientist or someone who is willing to biopsy the spot where I was given the injections (NOT my leg, where it seems they usually want to biopsy to look for the squalene). I find it interesting that I was given all my shots in the same arm, same spot. The arm I was given the vaccine in ended up having a reaction after one of the shots and swelled so big I lost circulation and my fingers turned purple. Swelling obviously went down eventually, probably that night. Years later though, I am stuck with tendinitis in that elbow. I should say that I do not play tennis or garden or do anything that should have caused it. I just woke up one morning to a swollen and painful elbow! So back to my head, I have those spots. Neuro decided to give me this medication and try to stop the migraines by taking a daily medication. Last time I started on it, I had a live in nanny who was a GODSEND helping out with the kids. I was able to just lay down and let the side effects do their thing and not worry about who will get kids their food or watch them. I took myself off the medications because even on my 3rd dose increase I was still suffering with a constant headache. After a few months I decided to put myself back on them. Now that I am on them, I cannot function. I am a walking zombie. I am miserable. Imagine you are the most tired you have ever been, and then double that. I should add in here, that I also suffer from chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS), because being tired wasn’t bad enough, I have to be special about it. So on top of my CFS I have fatigue as a side effect of the medication that is supposed to stop the migraines that may or may not be caused by the white specks in my brain which may or may not be caused by my traumatic brain injury (TBI). Today was especially rough. So while I was dead tired from medications that should be preventing the migraine I was in bed with, all I could think of was why. Why did I bother having kids when I cannot possibly be there for them? Why do I bother even sticking around? They deserve so much better than me. I know it is my job to be out there playing with them. I need to suck it up and just crawl out of bed, but HOW when my head is pounding and my eyes are leaded down? And then I wonder if I made a mistake getting back on the medication. If I am going to have the stupid headaches anyway, why bother? Then I wonder what the hell is in my head that makes it hurt SO freaking bad that nothing that the doctors have given me will give me relief? It’s like it is in a part of my brain that just doesn’t want to be messed with. And then I get angry because I feel like people around me are looking down on me, like they think I should just crawl under a bridge and disappear and only come out on veterans day so they can give me a free subway sandwich and feel good about themselves. I feel like people expect you to be able to go off to war at 22 and then live the rest of your life all rainbows and unicorn poop. See the snowball we are creating here? My head hurts like a bitch, I am tired, I want to be engaged with my kids, but I want to sleep and not be in pain.