Anyone who knows me, or has known me for the last few years, knows a few things about me. They know I am a bit strange, non-traditional, open-minded.. They know that I would give the shirt off my back and the last dollar in my bank account to someone who I felt needed it more than me. My friends know that I rarely say “no” when asked to do a favor. I don’t like conflict, but will be the first one to stand up for those who can’t, or won’t, stand up for themselves. My friends who have known me for 20+ years know that I have always longed to find love. I have always wanted to just be loved. I managed to make poor choices in my life that lead me to now be in a position where I feel as though it is just not going to happen for me.
My friends will lovingly tell me to be patient. It has been YEARS though. I patiently waited for one person and sat on the sideline as a friend for a year. I listened to his insecurities, reassured him that waiting to get himself sorted out first before getting into a relationship was a good idea and that I would be here waiting when he felt ready. I spent every weekend with him until he had built up enough self-esteem where he felt ready for a relationship. Unfortunately, he decided to start one with someone else, and not me, but I wouldn’t change my actions to stick around and be that friend. I am always the friend. Never the girlfriend. I know others mean well with the words they say about having time to myself, blah blah blah, but… Well, it sucks. I won’t settle either, so it isn’t as though the opportunity wasn’t there… it’s just that I am terrified of being in a relationship where someone likes the IDEA of me. Or the novelty of me.
I am not looking for a man with a Ph. D. Or a large bank account or an address in a ritzy neighborhood. I pay my own bills just fine, I can hold my own in a conversation, and I think my neighborhood is just fine. I just want a man who can figure out that women are able to think and speak without a man around, we can vote and have rights, and one who can understand that a relationship doesn’t just carry on with no work or effort. Someone who understands that you cannot simply stay and hope the other person won’t leave out of a sense of obligation.
You see, I made poor choices when I was younger. I feel as though the type of man I want in my life as a partner in all of this is a good strong man, and also one who would never lower himself to be with someone like me. The man I can see myself with is one who is confident in what he does and says. He would be wise and gentle with his words. He would be open-minded, appreciating input from others and not feeling the need to put others down. He would be patient. Lord would he need to be patient. He would support my goals and dreams as I would support his. He would find my value. He would see the good in me. He would see past my mistakes. He wouldn’t ever want to make me cry. He would be protective of me. He would love his family and he would love God. He would respect the way I worship as I respect his. He would always root for the Broncos. (okay I can be flexible on that, I suppose..)
So I have all these great ideas of the type of man I want to be an influence to my children, and a partner in the nursing home with me, it boils down to the fact that I don’t know how to get past the idea that I am just not worth anyone’s time. There are women out there who are more educated, more attractive, have better backgrounds than me. I think I am a very open, caring, and giving person, but I am not sure I do anything that really anyone wouldn’t do. There’s nothing special about me (aside from a number of mistakes I have made in my life). Why waste my time approaching anyone I think would be a good match when I don’t feel worthy of love?
So, in the meantime, I am just pouring myself into whatever I happen to be doing that day. Cleaning, cooking, working.